pouring my heart out

I haven’t really been keeping up with this weightloss blog the last few weeks/months and while I can blame it on many things, in reality it’s because I’ve really stalled out. I don’t know how or why it has happened but I’m beginning to feel like I can’t do it. I’m feeling this way in spite of the fact that I have already done it (a bit). The way I felt in December when I finished the 10 week program and had lost 29 pounds, that on top of the world-I can do anything feeling, has long since disappeared and I cannot for the life of me remember what feeling that way was like.

This weightloss thing is so damn tricky. For awhile there I was feeling really good about the way I looked and the smaller space I was taking up. However, lately, I’m feeling just as huge and ugly as I did at 301 pounds. It’s a really terrible place to be. I try to workout and when I do, like I did last night, I feel great but the next day comes and I just don’t want to do it again. I had big plans for today, I was going to get up at 7 am and go for a walk/jog. I was going to spend a serious hour sweating and working myself to the limit but I set the alarm for pm and so when I opened my eyelids at 8:30 that plan was history. So I packed my gym bag instead and thought I’d make sure to go to the gym after work. If things went my way the gym tv would be set to the Biggest Loser which I love and find incredible inspiring. I could watch while I used the treadmill and stationary bike.  It would all be great! When I finished at work I began to drive the right direction but instead of going right to the gym I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things and then… I went home. I still watched the Biggest Loser but I sat on the couch and ate my dinner instead of exercise.

I’m feeling a bit hopeless, overwhelmed and weepy right now (no doubt a sign that my girly system re-boot is about to begin). I need a big ol’ kick in the pants but motivation needs to come from me, from deep down inside, because it won’t work otherwise. My friend Teresa gave me a book, Where Did All the Fat Go? The Wow! Rx, that she has been reading. I’ve read about half of it so far and it is making complete sense to me. It basically is reiterating what I’ve already done, the things that I’ve already proven I can do and which work for me, are a good way to go about losing the rest. Now I just need to do them. I need to dedicate the next 6 months to really doing this. Refocus on spending 2+ hours a day exercising and watching my calorie intake. Eating whole, unprocessed food. Drinking water. Going to bed at the same time every single day and getting up at the same time every single morning and beginning the day with a good, hard, pushing myself workout. I need to do this. I know I can do it. I just need to make myself want to do this. Feeling inspired at night, when it’s too late to do anything about it, isn’t enough. I need to carry this determined feeling through the night and into the morning when it’s time to begin. Only then will I make some progress. Tomorrow it’s time to begin. It’s the rest of my life at stake.

5 Comments »

  1. Lisa Said:

    I love you Karen! You are so so right about this!! I feel it in you.. I hear it in your voice… It is early and it is difficult.. but it will be worth it!! You need a mantra, my friend! Until then know that you are not alone.. although it is you that has to get outta bed and lace up those workout shoes! Spring is on it’s way and this womanly week will pass. You are looking and doing so great!! I’m cheering for tomorrows!

  2. Auntie L Said:

    It is the “Want to” part that is the problem. Every time you say “I have to” do something, whatever it is, It become something that is overwhelming to do. My life has been full of “Have tos” instead of “Want tos”. I have never had much luck changing the haves to wants. I don’t know if it is normal or not, but even telling myself “I want to” hasn’t been that successful in getting it done. On the few days I feel really good emotionally(These days happen about as often as most people have “bad days,” if that often) I do sometimes manage to get something done that I really want to do instead of have to do. On my good days I also feel good about anything I have accomplished that day and I can actually feel good about myself. It has been a life long struggle, and I expect it will always be that way. I feel your pain in the early morning thing, seeing as I too am a night person. And the after work thing is an even harder thing to accomplish, because by then all I want is food and sleep. Just keep trying, and don’t beat up on yourself too much because in the end it just makes you feel bad and who needs that!

  3. Teresa Said:

    It was nice to visit with you last night. Your post reflects a lot of the things that I’ve been feeling too. Why does it have to be such a struggle? I’ve come to realize that these down times are just a part of the process. The important thing is to keep fighting. You are right when you say the rest of your life is at stake — and sometimes I think the enormity of that mindset can be almost paralyzing. I guess the secret is to find a way to focus on the short-term, while keeping the big picture in mind, without letting it all completely freak us out (yeah, right). Thanks for being willing to share your struggles, as well as your successes. It helps so much to know I’m not alone in the fight.

  4. Bridge Said:

    Um… I was wondering if you would participate in a 5k with me this fall? I am doing one in April, but I will have to walk most of it. I really want to run one and need someone else to do it with me. I wouldn’t even care if you walked it.

    Yes?
    No?

    ???

  5. drubabe Said:

    I totally understand the wanting but not doing part!! Sometimes, I’ll go downstairs and run on our treadmill for about 40 minutes. I feel so great! So great, in fact, that I promise no one in particular that I will run every day. The first week or so I do it. But then, I skip a day, and then another day, and so on. I get so frustrated with myself!! *sigh* I need more motivation!!


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