what the hell have I done!?!

Today I began the Ultimate Loser contest and at exactly 6:18 a.m. I was wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into. My group, the purple group–which incidentally is the color of my face when I climb stairs– meets at 6 a.m. for our team/group workouts. Today being the first day we also got to experience the joys of our first weigh in, take measurements and be photographed for those classic “before” photos.

We took roll and then our trainer, Ethan, sent us running/walking around the track and running/walking up a flight of stairs for the hour while they pulled people out one at a time for pictures. I was okay until my first trip up the stairs… I knew then that this wasn’t going to be fun. At my third trip up the stairs I was questioning my sanity at signing up and paying for, organized torture and by my fifth trip I nearly passed out. Going from almost no physical activity to this was a big shock to the system. I eventually quit the stairs and just focused on the walking the track. Cheating? Maybe. But I really couldn’t have done much more without falling down the stairs in a vomiting heap.

I turns out that I’m really grumpy when I exercise–really grumpy. I knew this but I didn’t realize my inability to disguise it. As people would pass me and ask how I was doing, I could not stop myself from telling them that I was, in fact, not good. I seriously need to work on being a little more upbeat. These people don’t need to know that I’m miserable and I don’t really need them to know. I’ll have to work on my happy face. *smile… smile… smile…*

The photo-ing was not cool. I took one pic in my gym clothes, face red & sweaty, and one in a bathing suit. What made the experience even more scarring was that the photos were taken by 2 fit and attractive men. They then proceeded to weigh and measure me, while still in the bathing suit. As the numbers were called out for recording I could feel myself sliding, ever more deeply, into a gray humiliation cloud. I need to know these numbers so I can see my progress but it doesn’t make the process of recording them any less embarrassing.

I had planned to continue after the group hour and do my individual hour but I have learned that I need to join the gym so I can check in and get credit for the exercise I do on my own. I hadn’t planned to join–my employer gives me a free membership to the city rec. center–and thought that the extra 6 hours of personal exercise time had been covered with my large entry fee, but it is not. I must now come up with the additional funds by this evening so I can go and exercise tonight for credit. I suspect I’ll be using my trusty mastercard again. May the credit gods smile upon me and my ability to pay all this off!

All in all I’m kinda freakin’ out. This is going to be hard. I knew it would be hard but it’s different when that is just in your head, putting a real face on this challenge is overwhelming. I’m hoping tomorrow will go better and that I’ll be able to put on that happy face!

Current weight: 301 – no laughing (or gasping in horror as that is the more likely response)!!!!!!!!



  1. MaryEllen Said:

    I for one, and I know I am not the only, think you are fabulous. It is hard. It is 7 shades of suck, but you can do this. As the scales go down it does feel better, even if it is not easier to go up and down the stairs. When I lost enough weight that I no longer had acid reflux, I cannot tell you how happy I was. You have taken a big step and I am so proud of you for making the decision to be proactive. I will cheer you on! I do not know if they tell you how much you should lose to be at your ideal weight, but only concentrate on losing the 1st 10%. That is a more managable weight loss to think about. It will also give you great health benefits. I know that when I saw that I needed to lose 80 pounds I thought that I could not do it. 10% was much easier to swallow. I now have to remind myself that while I have not yet reached my goal I am 3/4ths of the way there. You can do this. You are a ninja! You fear nothing! You are awesome!

  2. sherry Said:

    I am not laughing!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Nancy Said:

    You’re awesome! I’m Cheering for you! Go Karen!

  4. Loralee Said:


  5. Cricket Said:

    Karen you are my hero! I am so proud of you. You can do this! I know you can. You are my inspiration. Play Chicago song here. In fact today I didn’t want to get out of bed and clean up stuff around the house and I though good crap if Karen is working out at 6am then I can drag my butt out of bed and do the laundry. I can promise you that this will be the best thing you can ever give yourself. Let me know when we can start voting! You are incredible!

  6. Go Karen! *cheers wildly* I am so proud of you! You are amazing! I love that you are committed to get healthy! You are my hero! I am cranking the resistant up on my machine in your honor. Is that a passive aggressive way to support you? I can’t wait to hear more about your Bodybugg gadget!

  7. jess Said:

    i would NEVER ever laugh at you. you have amazing courage to do this. you have amazing courage to actually WRITE DOWN HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. on the INTERNET. you go girl!!! don’t be embarrassed…use it to fuel your desire to lose that first 30 pounds.

    if you didn’t have the support of the team, would you get up at 6 a.m.? leverage this for as long as you can. for this ten weeks…and then the next ten, too. where do we vote? do we vote for you online somewhere?

    i can’t wait to follow you on this journey. hugs to you!!


  8. jess Said:

    dude. did my comment go thru?

  9. Teresa Said:

    Wahoo Karen! It was so fun to see you at the gym tonight! Knowing you are there going through this with me, even though we aren’t in the same group, helps more than you will ever know. WE CAN DO THIS! I think it is awesome that you are blogging it too. We’re even starting at very similar weights — I’m 294. If you ever just want to throw in the towel — call me first. We can work through it together.

  10. Bridge Said:

    I heart you Karen!!!

    Let me know what I can do to help. I really want to help any way that I can. I will also sneak in some 94% fat free popcorn into the movie theater if you want. Oh, and some water.

    I love this blog idea. Love it!

  11. mok Said:

    No kidding it will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but the hard things usually get the best rewards. We’ll have to be careful what we eat when you come home for Thanksgiving, with both you and Dad and , of course, Grandma, we can have a healthier meal. How about a Tofu Turkey? (Or tofurky as I hear they are called.) Today the UPS guy was kidding me about being out of school for hunting holicay he said he’s a vegetarian and eats tofelk. Of course he laughed wildly after he said it. I wonder what you use to kill a tofelk? A bow and fork?

  12. Pi-man Dave Said:

    You can do it. The boys and I are cheering for you!

  13. Sarah Said:

    One slightly fun thing to look forward too (I say slightly because frankly working hard to loose weight just sucks for the most part) is that in two weeks you will notice that those stairs aren’t so hard any more, and you can walk a little further. These are small victories that might help, for a minute anyway.
    Good luck Karen!

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