to answer a question…

Teresa, my super weightloss pal, asked me a question in the comments of a previous post and I thought I’d answer here:

“I’ve thought some of doing a blog like yours thinking that it might make me be a bit better about my goals if I had to post my weight somewhere visible. How has blogging about your adventure helped you?”

Blogging about trying to lose weight has been simultaneously very humiliating and very encouraging.  It was hard to put my initial weight (and current weight too, if I’m being honest) in writing.  Admitting to all my skinny, fit, attractive friends (and the internet) the actually number I see when I get on the scale was hard.  I used to believe that you had to wait until you were emotionally ready to lose weight, to begin changing a lifestyle based on completely unhealthy living.  I was wrong.  I was never going to feel ready, and that “I’ll start my diet on Monday” mentality had been going on for 15 years.  Monday never came, and frankly it was never going to.  I was never going to be “ready” to do this I just had to begin and it was really hard.

Part of that jumping in process, for me, was making sure as many people as possible knew what I was doing.  Too often, any diet/exercise/lifestyle changes I’d tried to make were done under the veil of secrecy and I didn’t feel accountable to anyone (not even myself).  If I screwed up no one knew but me and thus I didn’t have to face anyone about it.  This time I needed people to know what was happening so when I inevitably decided to quit I’d have to face the cacophony of voices telling me to “keep going”, “it’s worth it”, “you’ve come so far”, etc.  And believe me, the first few weeks of that ultimate loser program are some of the darkest I’ve had.  I wanted to quit every day.  My feet hurt so badly and I was so overwhelmed and tired.  The ability to write out how I was feeling and then receive positive and encouraging feedback kept me going through the tears and late night/early morning emotional breakdowns.  I likely would have quit had it not been for this little space.

Now, I’m facing a new challenge… I’m continuing on my own.  The initial ten week program helped me figure out what I needed to do, gave me some clear guidance and a trainer to keep me moving.  However, now I’m all alone trying to keep the weight loss train from derailing.  It would be very easy at this point to quit.  I don’t have a class expecting me to join them in the morning, I don’t have anyone creating new challenges for me to conquer, I don’t have anyone checking my food log and commenting on the choices I’m making, and I don’t have the familiarity of the people and place where I began my journey.  Without these things I can absolutely see how I (because I am lazy and a procrastinator) would have let myself go, gained back all the weight I lost and ended up feeling worse than ever before.  Thankfully, I have this weblog.  This place is keeping me going.  Knowing (or maybe it’s just believing) that people are reading this and care about how I’m doing keeps me going.  Yes, it’s been harder since that initial program ended but being accountable to a group of readers (even if they are just family and a few friends) makes me take a look at what I’m doing, adjust and tweak what isn’t working and continue setting goals.  This is invaluable.

So that is what blogging about my weight loss adventure has done for me.  It has helped me not be a quitter.  It has helped me be honest with myself about how my weight has affected my life.  It has allowed me to hear people talk to me about my weight without resenting them for bringing it up (and I’ve resented a whole lot of people in the past who have brought it up) because I brought it up first.

With all this said I’d like to ask readers (anyone who isn’t already) to comment and let me know what you think.  Hearing from you helps… a lot!  I have no delusions that this journey is impacting anyone but myself but it is impacting me and that is a big deal in my world.  I finally think that I can actually accomplish some of the dreams I’ve had all my life.  Those things may actually be possible.  And this is great news for a formerly, currently but no longer continuing fat girl.

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7 Comments »

  1. […] It’s difficult when you don’t have a class waiting for you to be accountable to.  She wrote the best post today about finding the courage to be accountable and to persist. Anyone who has faced this (Or faced […]

  2. brigitteballard Said:

    /sigh
    /sigh /sigh

    I often feel the same way. Honestly. I secretly go on diets all the time so if I fail no one will know. Often I tell people and then they sabotage my efforts or tell me I am doing everything wrong. Anything I can do to help you I will. Just ask.

    The other day my mother told me that I would just regain all the weight anyways so I should diet “her” way. If my mother was either a nutritionalist or a personal trainer I might want to listen.

    I just can’t win.

  3. I have so so so been there. I will tell my co-workers, sometimes… And sometimes not.. Recently – EVERYONE in my office (almost all men) is trying to lose weight as well as my husband. It’s pretty cool – because we’re helping each other out. It’s also cool – because when we have group lunches – we are going to healthy places.

    Anyway – I applaud you for posting your trials… I got a personal trainer last year and found it to be the most humiliating experience I have ever had. I still have close to $1000 worth of training left (he fired ME) and I just can’t make myself go back… It was just too embarrasing – sticking my fat ass up in the middle of the gym while people looked on then to only have my trainer berate me for whatever it was that he was berating me for that day. I actually gained 30 pounds after that. Not good. I’m finally in a better place to lose weight and it’s going ok so far…

    Now, I just gotta figure out how to get my $1000 bucks back. 🙂

  4. jess Said:

    karen,

    i know i’ve been eerily absent. it’s because i don’t have you in my reader.

    i’m sorry for that. i see your car at the library when i drive home from work almost every day, so you ARE in my thoughts.

    xoxo

  5. Teresa Said:

    Thanks for this post, Karen. It was very helpful and just what I needed to know!

  6. mok Said:

    I hate to be a mom here, but you know you will just regain all that weight so why bother to try. OOPPPSSS!!! I was channeling the MOM vibe there for an angry bitter moment! Seriously I am so happy that you are on this journey, and that you have so much support and encouragement. Love you and always have.

  7. MaryEllen Said:

    You know I have been working on losing for the past two years. I thought I would be at my goal weight by now, long before now and looking and feeling svelt. Well, I am not there, but I am still trying. You are an inspiration to me. I know in the depths of my being that I could not have endured that 10 week weight loss challenge. Your acts did make me commit to a gym. I was going to Jakes, but what kind of commitment is that when you only pay month to month. I joined the new gym. I got a great deal and it will not be any more in the long run than Jakes, but it is a years commitment. I will, therefore, make more of a commitment. I could say that I am happy with the weight and the clothes size I am in, and be in part truthful, but I would be settling for something less than my goal. It is partially because of what you are doing and continuing to do that motivates me to keep at it. I do not want to be a quitter. I read and read (past and present tense here)your posts and they really help me. Thanks! YOU GO GIRL!!!!


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