Archive for August, 2008

real life comes barging in

It has been forever since I’ve posted and while I feel bad about that I’ve had a lot of other things on my mind the last few weeks.

Actually, since the Ultimate Loser contest ended I haven’t done to well on the weight loss agenda and not blogging about it was a way to keep myself unaccountable.  Initially, I think, I had set myself up to fail.  During the contest this last time, I kept telling myself “as soon as this is over I’m going to eat…” and I kept my word.  I would buy things while grocery shopping that we’re terrible choices telling myself I could eat them after UL was over.  As a result by the beginning of August I’d gained back around 7 pounds.  That’s two weeks of hard work down the toilet.

I also hadn’t been exercising regularly and and had taken off my bodybugg.  These two things help me, in different ways, remember what my goals are and that I have a goal I’m working towards.  With their absence it was really easy to slip into bad habits.  If I’d kept exercising I might not have lost anymore eating the way I had been but I wouldn’t have gained like I did!

Then in August a group of friends and I decided, while climbing stadium stairs, that we didn’t want to wait for the gym to sponsor another competition.  That and I wasn’t really sure I could afford to join again when they did.  I had just purchased a new (to me) car and was adding a car payment to my  monthly budget.  I just wasn’t sure I could come up with the money to be an ultimate loser again.  So my friends Jen and Sarah decided that we would start up our own “contest”.  Jen and I had been on the same ultimate loser team before and we all wanted to lose more weight so we got a group together and have begun to compete against each other.  There are /8 of us who meet 3 mornings a week at 6 am and take turns being the ‘trainer’.  We’ve officially become the CV Losers and are working out, weighing-in and supporting each other.  We even have our own competition blog to keep track of pictures, weights, training schedules and to share recipes and tips with each other.  We started on the 11th of August and so far it’s going pretty smoothly for everyone.  Everyone that is except me.

Around this same time I began to have some worrisome things happen to me.  Under normal circumstances I’d just ‘wait and see’ if things cleared up but something in the back of my mind niggled that it might be worse that a pulled muscle or pinched nerve so I went to the hospital and had things checked out.  During that initial visit my thoughts grew progressively darker.  I had a CAT scan to rule out things like stroke but they did find something of concern so I was referred to a neurologist and had a MRI.  For the last three weeks I’ve been to see many doctors, I’ve had several tests and last week I was diagnosed.  What I have is big and incurable.  It’s also scary and I’m worried about the consequences.  Will I be able to work to retirement?  Will I be able to care for myself?  Will I be able to afford the costs of the tests and medicines?  I don’t know.  Lots of people live with this condition and have very few symptoms.  They lead very normal lives but there is a small percentage that this diagnosis is catastrophic for.  Where will I fall in the spectrum?  I went to the library on Friday looking for a book, just one book, so I could read about it.  They didn’t have the one I wanted so I borrowed a biography written by a man who has the same illness.  I read 2 pages and shut it.  I don’t want to know about how hard it’s been.  I don’t want to know about the different flare ups and the toll it’s taken on him.  I don’t want to know about any of that.  I’m not ready to deal with that kind of reality yet.

In general, I’m really not thinking about it at all.  Seriously most of the time it isn’t even blipping on my radar.  Except that it is…

I’ve gained more weight the past few weeks.  I hole up alone in my apartment and self medicate with pizza and chinese food and coke.  I want to sleep all the time.  I don’t call people and I cancel plans.  Some part of me is thinking about it and so I need to get back in control.

My continued weight loss has become even more important to me now.  There is no cure for the illness I have but being healthy, active and fit cannot hurt.  Even if it is just for my own mental well being, I need, more than ever, to reach my goal.  If I lose my mobility and must depend on others it will be much easier for me to accept if I’m 150 pound Karen rather than 250 pound Karen.

It’s time to take control of what I can and what I put in my mouth and I do with my time are things I can control.  So I’ll be continuing this big fat loser blog and share with you all the things I’m doing to get to my goal weight.  I tell you about the workouts and the cravings.  I’ll tell you about the pains and rewards.  I don’t plan to talk about my illness unless it relates to my fitness goals but I do plan on becoming the best me possible.  I don’t want to waste any more time!