Archive for April, 2009

so busy…

Okay, I have 5 minutes to update everyone. I’ll write more when I get a chance (tomorrow?) but until then here are the basics of the last 1+ week.

I only lost 1 pounds last week. 1 stupid, ugly pound. I am sad.

We had our first group Saturday challenge and it was a 5k. I did not do well but I didn’t (as fellow team member Randi pointed out) cry. Instead I did something weird and painful to may ankle and vomited. Good compromise.

I’m feeling less our of breath during class but I’m also feeling more flatulent. This is unfortunate when you are doing sit-ups.

Tomorrow we swim.


Rambelings on keeping up

This weekend went pretty well, all things considered, and I was able to not only exercise Saturday morning but I was also able to keep my caloric choices in check. I cannot express often or fervently enough how grateful I am for good and supportive friends. Not only lovely people cheering me on but friends actively on the weight-loss path themselves who commiserate with me as we travail the path together.

(how are those big words Lisa? 🙂

My trouble with weekends is the lack of early morning reminders in the form of sore muscles to carry me through the day. That and I’m at home, alone, with my cupboards and frigidaire. However, A little forethought went a long way and I had reasonable treats stashed about like strawberries, string cheese, sugar-free pudding and lemonade readily available for snacking. I also was pretty busy and didn’t spend a great deal of time at home. This coming weekend will be the test as I have less on my agenda.

Monday morning I was still feeling pretty good and getting up at 5 am has not been as big a hurdle as I thought it might. I’m loving that it’s spring and there is something about stepping into the fresh, cool early morning air that I find wonderful. I love the feeling of being the only person awake and even the thought of the tortures in the immediate future haven’t deterred me yet.

This morning my efforts were thwarted by my own stupidity. For whatever reason (distraction, tiredness, inattention) I set my alarm clock for 6 am rather than 5. I got up, dressed and headed out the door before the lightened horizon clued me in on my gaf. Sadly I did not make it to the gym. I won’t lie, the extra sleep was glorious but the price of getting an 60 extra minutes was not worth it.

Tonight I’ll check the alarm 3 times!

p.s. In the interest of keeping an accurate record of how I’m feeling I do want to record that I think I’m having a minor MS related episode. Not enough to hinder me but I am feeling a little off balance. I had a terrible case of vertigo 5ish years ago that I now know was due to the MS and so I’m a little nervous that this minor imbalance I’m feeling will progress into full blown world spinning. Keep your fingers crossed that it remains simply annoying and clears up quickly.

the first week curse if broken

In the past my first week on an Ultimate Loser team has not brought me the greatest results.  I’ve either gained a pound or lost very little. This little pattern has really pushed my frustration buttons.  There is nothing more discouraging to the weight loss process than to gain a pound!

This week with Natalie has been uber-tough.  She is a really good trainer and fair.  I really appreciate that she has noticed everyone’s different ability levels and pushs us accordingly.  There have been many times when I haven’t been able to do an exercise the exact way it should be done but she knows I’m doing my best.  However, she seems to sense when I can push it more and isn’t hesitant about making me tow the line.  It’s really a whole new level of working out for me, being pushed like this, but it is also, ultimately, pretty rewarding.

I’ve been keeping a daily eye on how things are going on the scale and it looked like I was going to beat the first week curse.

(yes, yes, I know you should no’t weigh yourself everyday but I need to know how things are going)

Wednesday the scale was down, Thursday down… but this morning as I crawled out of my warm bed and onto the scale things looked bad. +1 bad.  I was really expecting to have a crap week again but I was horrified that I would have that +1 by my name.  Especially after this week.  At the gym we did our laps and dynamic warm up and then headed to the magical scale of destiny.  As my turn to stand upon is cold, ruthless surface came I almost didn’t look.  I mean really, who wants to face that kind of news?  But then… magically, on the official Ultimate Loser scale I was granted a reprieve.  -6.  -6 pounds!!!


-6 is great.  It’s better than I could’ve hope for and aside from the sore arms, knees, back, stomach, legs, feet and vomiting it was totally easy 🙂

the sport’s academy has very absorbant towels!

I’m pretty sure that Natalie is trying to kill me.  Okay, now that may not be entirely true.  I suspect that she has better things to think about than killing off at 35 year old fat girl with exercise.  Things like taking care of her newborn, but this morning you would’ve been hard pressed to convince me of it.

*disclaimer: Teresa may have to correct my recollection of things as I was lacking oxygen when the following indecent occurred.

We started this morning, 5:30 a.m. to be exact, with our 2 laps and dynamic warm ups, activities that I expect.  But then, Natalie decided to herd us all out to the treadmills, or as I now fondly refer to it “the killing zone”, for some cardio.  We began at a 3 mph walk and then increased our incline to 3.  Then came 6 mph for what felt like an eternity (2-3 minutes?).  We then got to lower our speed to a brisk 4.5 mph but upped the incline to 5.  Then back to 6 mph.  I couldn’t do it.  I surreptitiously lowered my speed and labored/panted/pleaded with the heavens for the next minutes to end.  Are you getting that it was hard? 🙂

After leaving the killing zone we headed back into the gym to do a team ladder race thing involving arm curls at the first line, front lifts and side lifts at the second line and burpees at the final line, running back to the starting line before each new activity.  All four team members had to run along while each person took their turn.  I ended this feeling a little green.

We then did something else, I can’t remember.  Lack of oxygen people!  Before repeating the team race, trying for a better time.  I opted to be the first one to run the lines and as I finished my term… it started.  I grabbed the nearest towel and began to vomit.  I vomited 6 or 7 times as I made my way to the dressing rooms.  It was just water but still unpleasant.  Natalie walked with me trying to help my calm down and breath because I’m pretty sure I was panicking at this point.  As she left me in the dressing room, heading back to the team,  she did tell me that while it was too bad I was sick it was awesome that I’d worked so hard.  I think this is code for “Yeah! I’ve got some bragging rights with the other trainers!”.

Have I mentioned that I think Natalie is trying to kill me?

As I headed back to the gym, after splashing my face with cold water, I passed by Dan, the Sport’s Academy director, and he high fived me for being the first vomit of the competition.  Is that a high five worthy event.  If so… I totally rocked it!

P.S.  I really do like Natalie.

getting to know Natalie

This mornings workout was tough. I’m so out of shape but I’m glad *now* that I tackled it. My friend Teresa, who is awesome and on my team again, sent this little summary of our workout in an e-mail to a few friends. I’m reprinting it with her permission because it sums things up nicely. I’ll add my 2 cents in italics.

  • Run 2 laps  —  my run was more of a quick walk. I’m not ready for running yet.
  • Walking lunges-down the long hallway, sprint back. — lunges… noooooooooo!
    Natalie introduces herself — she was very nice. i suspect that she is hiding her true identity!
  • Dynamic warm up consisting of:  (on a basketball court) high knees down and back, karaoke down and back, shuffle down and back, skipping for height down and back, run down and back. — I hate dynamic warm-ups. I need a warm up before the warm up!
  • Get a drink — *pant pant*
  • Run “Big” laps for 10 minutes to see how many you could do.  Big laps consist of two staircases, mingling amongst the general public, and a bit of the track. — I managed 4 of these suckers (that is not great btw)
  • Sit Ups — how many can you do in 1 minute.  I did 25, but I didn’t get good all the way up sit ups in like Karen did. She rocked at this! — Teresa is being generous. Did I mention that she is a wonderful friend for a reason 🙂
  • Push Ups–how many can you do in 1 minute.  I did 34.  again, not great one, but they are what they are. — I did 22. A push up rock star I am not!
  • Wall Sits–how long can you sit.  1 minute 40 seconds.  I did 4 minutes 3 weeks ago.  Not sure why I wimped out so much. — I did 1 minute, 1 second. Am now feeling light headed.
  • Grass drills:  Kind of like football drills.  Lots of high knees, mountain climbers, jumping jacks, push ups etc. — moving from one to the next speedily. — Speedily is the operative word. I moved at the pace of cold tar.
  • Sprints–down a long hallway 3 times (I made it twice and then realized I missed one at the end so I did another at the end) — sprint? hahahaha.

So there you have it, our first official day of class. It was killer but tomorrow promises to be more difficult. Can’t wait!


Last night my friend, Chelle, called me to chat after her week long vacation. Among all of the catch up I shared with her some of my worries and concerns about this current weightloss challenge and how I really need to make it stick. I mentioned how I felt I needed to do some personal introspection this time around and really figure out some of the underlying issues I have with myself and my body. When I was finished, Chelle said something that made a lot of sense to me. Something I hadn’t even considered.

I’m spending an hour+ every day working out, I’m logging every bite of food I take in, I’m drinking water and taking time to stretch so why not set aside some time, everyday, to work on the mental/emotional side of this issue. If I’m going to expend all this energy, put in all this work, I should also put a priority on the other side of things. So I’ve decided that I’ll spend 30 minutes, everyday, focusing on the unseen elements of of this journey. I may use that time to journal, to blog, to pray, to read or even take a walk with just my thoughts to accompany me. Time to really focus on me. I’m pretty skilled at burying these feelings so it may take a considerable amount of time to figure things out and I think it’s totally worth it. I’ll take the scary look inward.

I found this little video clip a few years ago. It’s silly, fun and full of “hope”. Enjoy.

New Beginning

I’ve been dreading this day… Ultimate Loser has started again.  I feel like I’m starting from scratch.  For every reason and no reason at all I’ve regained a significant amount of weight.  Add to that my relative lack of movement over the last 4 months and what we have here golks is me beginning all over again at day one.

I have offically gained 46 pounds in 4 months.  This is mortifying.  It also indicates just how hard the next 8 weeks are going to be.  I’m even anticipating to revisit the blistered feet and sobbing of my first UL.  And to make it worse, more than anything in the whole wide world, I don’t want to do it again.  It is hard and I don’t feel like I have the strength of energy to face it.  However, getting up at 5 am every morning and being put through the wringer for an hour will likely be a picnic to the mental challenge I’m facing.

I must figure out the how’s and why’s of this backsliding and I’m really quite good at not looking very deeply at myself.  Thankfully I have some wonderful friends who are willing to listen as I process things out loud and I have this space to write in.  I’m optimistic that between the two some progress will be made.

Today we just prepared for the next 2 months.  We set up our dotfit account (no more bodybugg–and I’m selling mine if anyone is interested), took our ‘before’ pictures and were prepped by our trainer, Natalie, for what was to come.  Tomorrow comes the pain…

thoughts about being a big fat loser

Next Monday, I’m going to be participating in yet another Ultimate Loser challenge at the local gym. I have very mixed feelings about this.  I know that I have remarkable success losing weight during these competitions. There is something about being accountable to a group of people, and a trainer, that keeps me focused and responsible. This is a good thing for the most part. What I struggle with is keeping the momentum up when the 8 weeks is over. When I’m accountable to just myself.

The winter has not been kind to me. And while I can blame my dramatic weight gain on many factors (my medications, the cold, depression, etc.) the fact remains that I regained 40 pounds in 5 months. A fact that has me hanging my head in shame and embarrassment. I’m also tremendously angry with myself because it was so so hard to lose those 40 pounds. They involved tears, blisters, aches, pains and not a little bit of vomit and I just threw them away.

What is wrong with me?

I know that there are reasons, beyond food, that have caused me to gain this weight back. Food is a great placebo that allows me to hide from the things that are really going on. I know that I’m feeling very scared and worried about having MS. I’m also worried about being in debt and the likelihood that I’ll be trying to sell my car and find a new apartment soon to help free up some income. I know that I’m scared about the possibility of being on my own for the rest of my life. Of needing to take care of myself and my needs alone. But I’ve been fat a lot longer that I’ve known about the MS or have worried about money. A lot longer than the reality of being alone, forever, has been a reality. So what is really going on?

Let’s face it, you don’t get to be 35 and unmarried without wondering why. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Why can’t I meet anyone?  Well, the easy answer to these questions  is… I’m fat.  I. am. fat. I’ve even been told, by people claiming friend status, that the reason no one has or will ever want me is because I’m ginormous. But, what if,  and this is the scary question, what if I lose the weight and then I’m still alone?  Then I’ll know I’m still single because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That I truly have nothing to offer and that scared the bejezzus out of me! I don’t want to know that I’m unlovable  and so, I guess to protect myself, I’m hiding behind the pounds. They are the reason.

This is really unhealthy to say the least.

And so, my challenge isn’t to lose my extra 100+ pounds (although that is a challenge of momentous proportions). It is to find a way to love myself  because if I can love myself it won’t matter what others think. Not well intentioned friends(?), not men, not my family. I will be the one placing value upon myself. And when that value is coming from me I suspect that those pounds won’t come back so easily.

Thus, beginning next Monday I won’t just be exercising and counting calories so I can fit in my pants better but I’ll also be figuring out  how to overcome the underlying reasons that I’ve allowed myself to get to this point in my life. I’ll use this blog to talk things out. I’ll get on my knees and pray for answers. I’ll take a deep and scary look at myself so that I can make this change stick. Because I’ve no time to lose.