thoughts about being a big fat loser

Next Monday, I’m going to be participating in yet another Ultimate Loser challenge at the local gym. I have very mixed feelings about this.  I know that I have remarkable success losing weight during these competitions. There is something about being accountable to a group of people, and a trainer, that keeps me focused and responsible. This is a good thing for the most part. What I struggle with is keeping the momentum up when the 8 weeks is over. When I’m accountable to just myself.

The winter has not been kind to me. And while I can blame my dramatic weight gain on many factors (my medications, the cold, depression, etc.) the fact remains that I regained 40 pounds in 5 months. A fact that has me hanging my head in shame and embarrassment. I’m also tremendously angry with myself because it was so so hard to lose those 40 pounds. They involved tears, blisters, aches, pains and not a little bit of vomit and I just threw them away.

What is wrong with me?

I know that there are reasons, beyond food, that have caused me to gain this weight back. Food is a great placebo that allows me to hide from the things that are really going on. I know that I’m feeling very scared and worried about having MS. I’m also worried about being in debt and the likelihood that I’ll be trying to sell my car and find a new apartment soon to help free up some income. I know that I’m scared about the possibility of being on my own for the rest of my life. Of needing to take care of myself and my needs alone. But I’ve been fat a lot longer that I’ve known about the MS or have worried about money. A lot longer than the reality of being alone, forever, has been a reality. So what is really going on?

Let’s face it, you don’t get to be 35 and unmarried without wondering why. Why doesn’t anyone want me? Why can’t I meet anyone?  Well, the easy answer to these questions  is… I’m fat.  I. am. fat. I’ve even been told, by people claiming friend status, that the reason no one has or will ever want me is because I’m ginormous. But, what if,  and this is the scary question, what if I lose the weight and then I’m still alone?  Then I’ll know I’m still single because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That I truly have nothing to offer and that scared the bejezzus out of me! I don’t want to know that I’m unlovable  and so, I guess to protect myself, I’m hiding behind the pounds. They are the reason.

This is really unhealthy to say the least.

And so, my challenge isn’t to lose my extra 100+ pounds (although that is a challenge of momentous proportions). It is to find a way to love myself  because if I can love myself it won’t matter what others think. Not well intentioned friends(?), not men, not my family. I will be the one placing value upon myself. And when that value is coming from me I suspect that those pounds won’t come back so easily.

Thus, beginning next Monday I won’t just be exercising and counting calories so I can fit in my pants better but I’ll also be figuring out  how to overcome the underlying reasons that I’ve allowed myself to get to this point in my life. I’ll use this blog to talk things out. I’ll get on my knees and pray for answers. I’ll take a deep and scary look at myself so that I can make this change stick. Because I’ve no time to lose.

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7 Comments »

  1. Cricket Said:

    Karen, I salute you, as you are one about to rock! I believe that you are on your way. It is brave to look at yourself. Find what you like, find what you don’t and if you want to change it go for it. When all is said and done your opinion of yourself is all that matters. I love you no matter what your size, your hair color, your choice in music or what you do. Be brave, I will be here to back you all the way.

    Shall I make you some custom barf bags for the new competition?

  2. bnbphoto Said:

    I love you for yourself as well! Please don’t be scared that you are unlovable. You are totally loveable!!! You just haven’t met the right person.

    Can’t wait to see you tonight…

  3. Sarah Said:

    I am crying. I also use my weight to hide from deeper feelings and problems. It really is a hard struggle.

    You are my hero!

  4. teresa Said:

    Thanks for being brave enough to share that. Its hard to verbalize those kinds of things to yourself, let alone put them out here for the world to see. You know that I struggle with similar things and I’m so grateful to have good friends like you to help me see past all of the faults I see when I look in the mirror to the good things that are hiding behind them.

    Whatever the outcome of the weight loss competition, I hope you will be able to see all of the good things that are uniquely you. You are an amazing woman regardless of your size, financial struggles, marital status, or health challenges. I have complete faith in your ability to accomplish your goals!

  5. superflychic Said:

    Don’t worry about the guys. If they are so shallow to not love you because of appearance, then you really don’t need them. I know I’m A LOT younger than you, but take it from me. *wink* Appearance is the WORSE possible reason to love you. It forms no real base for a relationship. It simply doesn’t matter. Well, to a degree it matters, but you really are beautiful.

  6. big sis Said:

    Nobody is “The wrong shape or size”. No matter what people say or you think, you are lovable. When I quote worrying about my size and looks I felt free. I did find a husband and it was nice. He had lots of health problems and emotional (brain damage from birth) problems. I do not know to this day if he married me on his own free will or if he just took the easier route. We had some good years, but we had lots of struggles because of his disabilities. I had to support us on a minuscule income. I am a widow now and feel that I probably didn’t do all I should for him. I feel better now than I have in a long time, because I realize that all we can do is our best. We are all here on this Earth for a reason. Sometimes I wonder why I am here . but the savior knows and He can help us. I have to take this on faith, because this is something I still struggle with. Maybe your special someone is not able to be in your life right now because he has not got the courage, or whatever he needs to find you. Just do the best you can, and not be so hard on yourself. I know this is easier said than done, because I, myself still fight that battle every day.

  7. wyogranny Said:

    What they said! I love you very much. Life has hard momemts for everyone, but it seems some are given more to bear. I don’t know why, but the answer will come. Most of all, remember you are loved, by imperfect people for sure, but also by Heavenly Father and the Savior. Will this help? Who knows, but I hope so.


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